I have had this post in my head for a few days now. I have thought about writing it down, but was unsure. But I am restless tonight and I cannot find solace in sleep. Perhaps it is because my husband is out of town on business and I am here alone, or perhaps it is because I need to write this story. So here it goes.
Just a few days ago, I awoke to my husband kissing me goodbye as he left for his early flight. I hugged him tight and I told him I love him and to be safe. I heard him leave, and closed my eyes. That is when I remembered my dream I had had just before I woke up. You see this dream has had me thinking a lot the past few days. Before I tell you the dream, I will give a little back story, to help you understand it better, at least I hope it will help.
MANY years ago, I was dating this young man. He was my first real boyfriend you could say. At least first real serious boyfriend. I remember one specific day I was standing in his parents kitchen, I can't remember why or what the conversation had been about, but his mother was talking to me about something. The only thing I remember her saying in this conversation was this, "You know, I love my son, but he is not a very good boyfrie........ oh I maybe shouldn't say that. I'm sorry, I just think he needs to be more respectful." I told her it was ok, I just smiled and we looked at each other straight in the eyes as if we both knew exactly what the other was thinking. I think she knew then, that it would not last.
Back to my dream. In this dream I was in the past, and I was there sitting with his mother as I waited for him to come home. She was very kind to me in this dream. She always has been, even after I ended my 2 yr relationship and engagement with her son. We sat there together and she said, "Why are you waiting for him?" My reply came out without hesitation, "Because I love him." It was quiet for a moment, then she began to tell me this. "I know you do. But I don't know that he loves you the same way you love him. He is going to hurt you." Then she proceeded to tell me all the things that were going to happen, all the things that DID happen. She told me of all the ways he would hurt me. She told me of all the heartbreak I was going to face. She told me to run. In that moment, I had the option to change my future. I was given the opportunity to change my path entirely. To run, before I made some choices that led to deep and heavy loads of sin. Heartbreak that left me physically tormented and sick. As I looked right into this kind woman's eyes, I knew that everything she was saying was true. I suddenly had the knowledge of my future, I knew I would not end up marrying her son, and instead marry my true knight in shining armor, my true love. I looked right into her eyes and smiled and said, "I know. But I love him, and I know that he will never appreciate that or love me back that way I want him to. But this is the path that I must take, to get to where I truly am meant to be. Then he walked into the room, and I left with him out the door as she said, RUN.
Now this is not word for word of the dream, it was a lot more detailed, but this is the best way to write it down. And this is what it taught me.
I have often thought about how much I wish I could go back and change it all. Never meet this person who broke me, who put me through more torture than I deserved. But as I look back now, though my life is no where near perfect, as I face things that are much harder than the heartbreak I faced in my past. I would not change a thing. Because I don't think I would have my family as I have it now. And I can't imagine my life without any of them. In this dream I had the chance to change everything. But I chose not to. Because I wanted what I have now.
Sometimes it takes years to understand the paths we chose in our past. And many of us wish we could change them. But we cannot change them, all we can do is learn from them. That path nearly ruined my life, but, through the gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, my Master, I was able to return to the light. I would not change a thing. Because I want what I have today,
If you are in the midst of darkened times, take comfort. You are not there alone, it will not last forever, it will pass. And good times are yet to come. Have faith. If it is to hard, just have hope. Reach out to those who love you. You are never too far gone for his mercy. Give him your troubles, let him lighten your load. Lean on the faith of those who love you, they cherish you, whether you feel you deserve it or not. Do not let, shame, pride or fear hold you back, Release the chains, let the grace and mercy of our loving Savior envelop you, and carry you through this. Drink from the waters of his mercy. Because I promise you, everything WILL be ok, Even if everything will be different and possibly very hard. If you trust in Jesus Christ, it will all be worth it, it will all be alright.