I Wouldn't Change a Thing

I have had this post in my head for a few days now.  I have thought about writing it down, but was unsure.  But I am restless tonight and I cannot find solace in sleep.  Perhaps it is because my husband is out of town on business and I am here alone, or perhaps it is because I need to write this story.  So here it goes.

Just a few days ago, I awoke to my husband kissing me goodbye as he left for his early flight.  I hugged him tight and I told him I love him and to be safe.  I heard him leave, and closed my eyes.  That is when I remembered my dream I had had just before I woke up.  You see this dream has had me thinking a lot the past few days.  Before I tell you the dream, I will give a little back story, to help you understand it better, at least I hope it will help.

MANY years ago, I was dating this young man.  He was my first real boyfriend you could say. At least first real serious boyfriend.  I remember one specific day I was standing in his parents kitchen, I can't remember why or what the conversation had been about, but his mother was talking to me about something.  The only thing I remember her saying in this conversation was this, "You know, I love my son, but he is not a very good boyfrie........ oh I maybe shouldn't say that.  I'm sorry, I just think he needs to be more respectful." I told her it was ok,  I just smiled and we looked at each other straight in the eyes as if we both knew exactly what the other was thinking.  I think she knew then, that it would not last.

Back to my dream.  In this dream I was in the past, and I was there sitting with his mother as I waited for him to come home.  She was very kind to me in this dream.  She always has been, even after I ended my 2 yr relationship and engagement with her son. We sat there together and she said, "Why are you waiting for him?" My reply came out without hesitation, "Because I love him." It was quiet for a moment, then she began to tell me this. "I know you do.  But I don't know that he loves you the same way you love him. He is going to hurt you."  Then she proceeded to tell me all the things that were going to happen, all the things that DID happen.  She told me of all the ways he would hurt me. She told me of all the heartbreak I was going to face.  She told me to run.  In that moment, I had the option to change my future.  I was given the opportunity to change my path entirely.  To run, before I made some choices that led to deep and heavy loads of sin.  Heartbreak that left me physically tormented and sick.  As I looked right into this kind woman's eyes, I knew that everything she was saying was true.  I suddenly had the knowledge of my future, I knew I would not end up marrying her son, and instead marry my true knight in shining armor, my true love.  I looked right into her eyes and smiled and said, "I know. But I love him, and I know that he will never appreciate that or love me back that way I want him to.  But this is the path that I must take, to get to where I truly am meant to be.  Then he walked into the room, and I left with him out the door as she said, RUN.

Now this is not word for word of the dream, it was a lot more detailed, but this is the best way to write it down.  And this is what it taught me.

I have often thought about how much I wish I could go back and change it all.  Never meet this person who broke me, who put me through more torture than I deserved.  But as I look back now, though my life is no where near perfect, as I face things that are much harder than the heartbreak I faced in my past.  I would not change a thing.  Because I don't think I would have my family as I have it now.  And I can't imagine my life without any of them.  In this dream I had the chance to change everything.  But I chose not to.  Because I wanted what I have now.

Sometimes it takes years to understand the paths we chose in our past.  And many of us wish we could change them.  But we cannot change them, all we can do is learn from them.  That path nearly ruined my life, but, through the gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, my Master, I was able to return to the light.  I would not change a thing. Because I want what I have today,

If you are in the midst of darkened times, take comfort.  You are not there alone, it will not last forever, it will pass.  And good times are yet to come.  Have faith.  If it is to hard, just have hope.  Reach out to those who love you.  You are never too far gone for his mercy.  Give him your troubles, let him lighten your load.  Lean on the faith of those who love you, they cherish you, whether you feel you deserve it or not.  Do not let, shame, pride or fear hold you back,  Release the chains, let the grace and mercy of our loving Savior envelop you, and carry you through this.  Drink from the waters of his mercy.  Because I promise you, everything WILL be ok, Even if everything will be different and possibly very hard.  If you trust in Jesus Christ, it will all be worth it, it will all be alright.

It Will Be Alright

The morning light broke through the window and I realized a new day had begun.  My mind leaving the dreams behind from the night, only to remember the reality of the daylight.  Do I have to get up?  Must I face yet another day of feeling the sadness that has filled my heart over the last few months?  But I hear my son yell, "Momma!" as he longs to get out of his crib, quietly I listen as I hear one of his older sisters sweetly say his name and lift him out of his bed.  Oh good. I think to myself, I can lay here a few moments longer.  That moment passes quickly as my darling little boy comes bounding into my room climbing onto my bed and lays his head on my chest, "Momma I had good seep!" he exclaims.  My heart though heavy, softens at his sweetness.  And I ask him if he is ready for breakfast and we both get up for the day. I get my oldest up out of bed and get them all breakfast.  While they eat I gather the clothes they need for school, and sit on the couch while they finish.  The rest doesn't last, as I must get them dressed, make sure they brush their teeth, get their shoes, do their hair and load them all in the car to drop them off.  We make the 12 mile drive to their school as they chatter joyfully in the back while my mind is thinking about the daily tasks. Do I do the laundry? What needs to be cleaned?  Do I find the time to workout?  Do I stop at McDonalds and get an unhealthy breakfast or the store and grab some donuts?  Or do I make the better choice and do neither of those things? I know it seems silly right, what a dumb thought.  But yet it was there.  When all I really want to do is rewind time.  But I can't.  No matter how much I want to, I must find the will to move forward. But it is not an easy thing to do or even think about when my mind is consumed by my sadness.



The day moves on, and I chose not to go get an unhealthy breakfast. I get home, and plop on the couch, should I exercise?  Every part of my body doesn't want to. So instead of pushing myself, I start reading articles and scrolling through facebook, all while trying to entertain my 2 yr old.  And before I know it 2 hours have gone by.  The thoughts of, I should have and could have rush through my mind, dragging me deeper.  Why is life like this?  I think to myself.  I just want one good thing to happen!  Then I look at the clock and I realize it is already time to pick up my daughter from Kindergarten, and I also have to pick up a prescription.  As I drive my 2 yr old falls asleep in the car, "Oh great there goes his nap for the day." I think to myself.  I pick up my daughter and go the the pharmacy.  As we pull in the driveway my son wakes up, "CRAP!" I say out loud.  My daughter says, "What mom?" I explain that it will just be hard to get her brother to take a nap now.  I figure we'll eat lunch and lay him down after that, maybe, just maybe he will nap during that time.



Suddenly it occurs to me, "Have I thought about anything happy today?" So I search my memory for a happier thought, it was easy, it goes back to our family vacation we took just before everything happened.  You see we won a trip to Disneyland, it was so amazing! And as I look back on it, a huge blessing.  We never would have been able to afford it had we not won, so we felt so so thankful, lucky and blessed.  I start reminiscing about the fun moments we all had, because it was truly magical.  Maybe that sounds cliche, but it was.  I think to myself, "I wonder if God gave us that vacation as a gift, so that we would be able to look back at that time, when things got bad?"  I believe he knows what awaits us in our journey through life.  And we have been assured that there will always be a light if we look for it.  But finding that light is not always so simple.  Even if the sun is shining.  We must seek after it.

And then the scripture from 3 Nephi 12:16 pops into my head saying, "Therefore let your light so shine before this people, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in Heaven."



As I ponder on how that scripture applies to me, my thoughts turn to my children.  Do I want them to always see me on the brink of tears?  Or remember a mother that smiles?  Does my inner light shine bright enough for them?  Lately I will admit it has not, as I have allowed myself to be consumed by my trials.  Do I forget to trust in the Lord?  Just like this man in the video below when he says, "I thought you would send someone."  I feel like I say that all the time, Father, I thought you would fix it, or answer when I thought it was best?  But the Lord needs us to do our part, he needs us to look for the light ourselves, and by doing so we will see his hand, love and mercy in our lives.



We are going to have days of struggle.  We will have days of sadness, and that is ok.  We must try to always remember to look for the light, let it shine and have hope.  And also trust in our loving Heavenly Father and Savior.  I know that by having faith and a hope of better times, my soul can be lifted.  And yours can too.  Though we may have trials that bring us down and cause us pain, with faith and hope in our Heavenly Father and Savior we can know that it will all be alright.  Just look for the Light.

Give Your Burden to the Lord

Not long ago I was sitting in Sacrament meeting, and as the prayer was being given the person said, "Bless all those who are going through hard times and trials, that they may have comfort."  I remember thinking, I am so glad that is not me right now.  I felt so safe and secure in the direction of my life in that moment.  It was blissful and peaceful.  So much joy.



But life does not always go as we plan.  Life throws us curve balls that change our path and lives in ways we never imagined.  Trials will come, we cannot avoid them.  They can be small, or they can be gigantic.  No matter what the trial, or how serious it may or may not be, we are not alone in it.  Though in the darkness of our despair, we may feel alone at times.  And it can be difficult to remember that we are never truly alone.



I never knew my heart could feel such pain.  I thought I knew pain.  I have been through hard things, made some pretty bad choices in my life.  Were they just to prepare me for harder things?  Maybe so.



Being a parent is a miraculous adventure.  An adventure I am thankful to be on.  Being a parent can fill our hearts with unexplainable joy!  And also unimaginable sorrow.  When my child hurts, all I want to do is take their pain and suffer it for them.  When someone has hurt my child I feel this need to defend them with every fiber of my being.  As I call it, "The mother bear" affect.



I have had to learn to give all my pain to my Savior.  It is hard and I am weak.  But it is the only way I can make it through this time in my life.  So to my readers, whether there be many or whether there be few, give your burdens to the Lord.  Allow him into your heart, so that you may feel comfort.  Allow others to help you, God will send people in your path in your times of need.  Do not doubt his love for you, because it is unconditional.  Something I have learned in a way I never expected.  Trust in him, and have and hold to your Faith.  You are never alone.



I have shared this video I am sure many times.  But it is a good one and it brings me comfort.  May you always remember the Lord is with you.  He loves you more than we can ever know.

Is There No Other Way?

 Life throws us all in many directions we never expected.  There are times where we have all been on our knees asking for help, for guidance and even miracles.  We plead with our father to change our course and to make it easier.  We ask him, "Is there no other way?"



  My family has gone through a lot of changes, some good and some not so good.  And in our struggle, I have selfishly asked my Father in Heaven to lighten my load.  And I have wanted it lightened the way I see fit.  I have begged him to change things, I have asked, "Is there no other way?"



  Just as Christ plead with his Father in the Garden if it be possible to take the cup from him, but not his will, but God's will be done.  God did not send us to this earth to make our lives easier, we must go through trials and sorrows.   We must continually do the things that we need to do to strengthen our faith.  And by doing so it will allow us to more fully trust in the Lord and his plan for us all individually.



  Sometimes things have to get harder before they can get better.  If things only ever worked in our favor, well, then that would be the way that Satan wanted this world to work.  He wanted everything to be easy, and all the glory to be his own.  But that is just simply not how it is meant to be.  Things will get hard, and things will not always come easily, but if we have faith and trust in him, things will be ok.  Maybe not right when we want them to, but when we need them to the most.  God will not leave us alone.  He will test us to the very core.  He knows that we will become weak and want to give up.  But he has given us the tools and his love to help us all along the way, even when it seems we can no longer bear the pain we may be feeling.



  So when we ask, "Lord, is there no other way?"  He may say, no.  But trust him, he will not leave you to bear the burdens alone.  Do not fear him, trust and rely on him.



  Recently I read a post where someone, who has taken a path away from the church described those who believe in this faith in a way that shocked me,  They said that they were angry at the wounds inflicted on us all, (Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints), by fear poorly disguised as faith.  I sat there and my jaw dropped.  My faith is a disguise inflicted on me......by fear?  A faith that has taught me to love and help ALL those around me regardless of our differences?  This comment shook me to the core, not with anger, but sadness.  How had this person so wonderful, fallen away?  I cannot answer that question for that person, but I can tell you this.  If we do not continually do our part on this earth and trust in our Father in Heaven, we to can begin to doubt and question it all.



"Doubt your doubts, before you doubt your faith" ~President Uchtdorf



  So when we are in our moments of despair, trail and fear.  Trust in him and know that this test is only for a small moment.  And that it will pass from us.  And if we trust in him, we will be blessed and comforted.  He will show us the way so that we may know with a surety of the right course.  He will not leave us doubtful, but hopeful.



  My prayer for everyone on this earth is that we can all trust in our Heavenly Father and trust in his perfect plan.  And know that we are never left alone.

Consider Your Words

Not long ago I was sitting in Relief Society with a friend.  I had just told her that we had sold our home and we sat there and talked about a few things, we were sure to talk quietly in order to not bother those around us.  My friend was expressing some things that were going on in her life that were a little stressful, and I was offering my comfort and listening ear.  You see this friend is dear to me and I love her.  She is a strong woman who I look up to and admire.  When the opening exercises were finished and the lesson began we finished our conversation and listened.  Even raising our hands in participation to the lesson.  The lesson was great and I learned a lot.

A couple weeks had passed by and my friend came to me and told me of something that had just happened that had upset her.  She said that she was approached by someone in the Relief Society Presidency and was told that people had been complaining about us talking, and that we were to disruptive.  My friend was shocked and just apologized, but at the same time was very hurt. She told me that she was already struggling with coming to church, because she had so many things going on, and this was just that last thing she needed.  I was surprised because we were not very loud, and honestly only talked during the announcements.  I did not think we were being to disruptive, and had someone asked us to quiet down, I would have been fine.  But instead we had to be treated like 5 yr old's.

Now, do not take this the wrong way.  I LOVE Relief Society and I love my friendships I have with my fellow sisters.  And I am sure there are times when maybe we have all talked to much and not listened enough.  But my point is this.  In that moment, on that day, my friend needed me.  She needed me to listen.  And I wanted to be there for her very much.  That was the moment she finally could talk to someone and she took that moment.

I tell you this story for one reason.  Be careful before you judge.  Be careful before you assume the reason behind someones actions.  You do not know what they are going through.  If there is a problem, consider your approach carefully and prayerfully.  Though your intentions may be completely innocent, your words can sound harsh and cruel. All it takes is 2 or 3 words in a sentence to hurt someone, even unintentionally.  Instead of telling someone that there has been complaints consider sitting with that person next time and seeing how things really are.  Or maybe you should just leave it alone.  There are many ways to approach someone with a concern.  If you need to approach someone about something, do so prayerfully.

I know we are all imperfect.  We are all learning in this sojourn of life.  The best way to make it through, is with kindness.  Be mindful of those around you.  Treat others how you desire to be treated.  Love those who do not love you.  It is hard, but it is possible.  Our Savior will be there to help us all along the way.  He will help us see people the way he sees them, if we ask him to.

I love this gospel with all my heart.  I love my Heavenly Father and my Savior.  I know that we are tested daily and we need not face the hardships alone.  I hope we can all strive to uplift those around us.  We are all loved, we are all cherished.

Where is Truth?

I remember sitting in a meeting one Sunday.  It happened to be a Fast and Testimony meeting. Sometimes those are my favorite, and sometimes they are not.  But this specific day has stuck with me.  Not because what this person said was profound, but it was because it was, in my opinion, wrong.  This person was speaking of a time where they had traveled somewhere.  As they were on vacation they visited many sights, as people do while on vacation.  On one particular day they visited an old church.  He talked about the architecture and it's beauty.  He talked about the services that he witnessed while there.  I was enjoying his story, until he said something that struck me and deeply bothered me.  He said, "This church was beautiful, but that didn't matter because God wasn't there."  I remember having the urge to stand up and verbally disagree with him, because how could he say that!?  God not there?  How could he really believe that?  Why did this hit me so deeply you may ask?  I will tell you.

  When I was 15 I received my patriarchal blessing.  It is an experience that is different and sacred to each individual.  And only something one shares at certain times when the individual feels they should share.  At least that is how it has been for me.  In my blessing there was something that was said, that has helped me in many instances in my life.  It said, "All truth comes from God, regardless of where you learn it."  So to me that meant, that God is everywhere if we let him in.  So when this person said that God was not there. I knew, I knew that God was indeed there.  Though they may not have the entire truth, they have truth. Truth comes from God, so God was there.  Of that I have no doubt.

  I tell you this story because today, I had another moment where I learned of truth from a movie.  The movie is called Confessions of a Prodigal Son.  It is not an LDS produced film.  In fact it had no mention of the LDS faith.  But it spoke of God and it spoke of love.  And it touched my heart so deeply.  Something that the father in the movie said, who also was a Pastor, was this, 

 "Today I am sad, I am sad because of my son. Who some of you know, left 2 years ago.  And I am sad, not because I am angry at his choices or disappointed in who he is, as he most likely thinks. I'm sad because I miss him, and I love him.  And I am sad because I cannot love him enough.  I cannot love him back to me.  You know that's all I really want.  So the message I have for you today, is that God loves you.  But not the way you think. See if you think that God is vengeful or angry, then you do not know God's love, which is infinite and supernatural.  We can't possibly understand the depth of God's love for us because we can't fit an all powerful, an all knowing glorious God into our minds. So no matter where you are in your life today, no matter what road you've taken or path you have wandered or you feel you know is the wrong path.  Don't ever think that God is angry or he is disappointed in you.  Know today, the he just, very simply LOVES YOU.  Just loves you profoundly. And he wants you to come home."

  I found this touching because it made me think of my own past and put it into a perspective I had not thought of before.  It taught me a truth about God and about myself. 

  I remember when I left home.  I remember pulling away with my car full as my parents stood in the doorway and watched me go.  I can't imagine how hard that must have been for them.  Did my mother cry?  Did my father fear for me?  The answer is probably yes to both of those questions.  I remember driving into a new city and suddenly I felt sick.  I put the feeling aside and just claimed I was homesick.  Was I?  Yes, but that was not why I was feeling the way I felt.  I knew deep inside, that I had made the wrong choice.  But I was not going to let my parents or God be right.  I was going to prove them all wrong.  The problem with that is, you cannot prove God wrong.  And when you try, all you find is unhappiness.

  There was one day when a woman stopped at a yard sale I was having where I was living, she claimed to be a Born Again Christian.  She was nice and she asked me if I knew who Jesus was.  I told her yes, I in fact did know who he was.  She asked what religion I was, I told her I was a Mormon.  She proceeded to tell me about things she found wrong with my religion.  I let her speak, and chose not to argue.  She told me of an event her church was having and invited me to attend.  I thanked her for the invitation and told her I would think about it.  We talked a little more and she asked me a few questions about myself.  As she was leaving she said something that I just today realized changed me. She said, "You claim to know Christ, yet you choose to live in Sin."  I had no response to that......because she was right.  Watching this movie today, and recalling what was said in my blessing has made me realize the God put her in my path, to help me.  She may not believe the same way I do, but she changed me.  She helped me. She had truth.  I will always be thankful for her because of that. 

  I remember the day I made the choice to come home.  My mother jumped on the next plane to get to me, and to help me.  She never expressed anger or disappointment.  When she saw me she just hugged me and I cried.  Being in her embrace was so much more than I knew I needed.  I was sorry for what I had done, and I knew I had to be better.  But the thing that helped me was knowing that I was LOVED.  And I knew I was loved by a glorious and merciful Heavenly Father and Savior.  I knew that they had been waiting for me anxiously and had nothing but love for me.  I had come home.

  Admitting we are wrong and need repentance is not an easy thing to admit.  I think we make it harder on ourselves, which causes us to fear the reaction of our loved ones, and our Heavenly Father and Savior.  But we need not fear!  They love us.  They want us to come unto them.  

Jeffrey R Holland said, 

  "No one of us is less treasured or cherished of God than another.  He loves each of us - Insecurities, Anxieties, Self Image and All."

YOU ARE LOVED!  YOU ARE WANTED!  YOU ARE NEEDED! 

God is all around you, if you just open your eyes, you will see his miracles.  You will feel his love for you.  So if you are feeling lost, scared or whatever you may be feeling, seek after him.  He LOVES you.  You can find truth in many places, you just have to be willing to look.  

  I know that my Savior loves me.  I know that my Heavenly Father has a marvelous plan for each of us.  He knows it will be very challenging and so hard at times.  But if we have faith and turn to him, he will buoy us up, and help us stand when we feel to weak.  Remember all truth comes from God, regardless of where you learn it.  But we must be willing to accept his truth so that we are not deceived.  Trust in God. 

Proverbs 3:5-6  5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine                                 own understanding.
                      6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

  

  

Be as a Little Child

My daughter is 7, or should I say 7 1/2.  At her age the 1/2 makes a big difference.  She is preparing for her Baptism, and she is really trying hard to understand the Gospel.  Today after we talked about our faith she asked when Jesus would come.  I told her I did not know, but that I hoped it would be soon.  She then told me that not long ago she prayed that Jesus would come the next day, but Heavenly Father had not answered her prayer.  I explained to her that though Jesus would be happy to see her, he cannot come until it is time, and that he will come when he is meant to. That Heavenly Father always answers our prayers, but it is in his time, not ours.

As I have reflected on my daughters faith, it has made me think about when Jesus said in
Mark 10:15 "Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein."

Since I have become a mother I think I understand a little why this is so.  Children have perfect faith, they know Jesus in some ways better than we do as adults.  They forgive freely and easily.  They love and accept all those around them.  They have wisdom beyond their years.  And I think that is why Christ said that we must receive the kingdom of God as a little child, because they have perfect and pure faith.  They do not need to see to believe, they just know.

My daughter is a very sensitive little soul.  She hurts for those that hurt and cries for those who cry.  She strives to bring joy to everyone around her.  She was recently wronged and hurt by another, and though this person did not apologize for hurting her she still said, "Don't worry, I will still be kind to him."  She is kind to everyone around her, even if they are not kind to her.  She is such an example of Christlike love, and I am in awe of her.

As she continues to prepare to be baptized, I have given her a goal to read the Book of Mormon for children that we have.  And to get down on her knees and quietly and reverently pray and ask our Heavenly Father if it is true.  I know she is 7, and I know that she will yet face trials in her life, and that terrifies me, but I feel that if she can hold onto her faith it will help her in those moments in her life.  I hope anyway,

I believe we can learn a lot from children, because of their perfect and pure faith.  And maybe if we become a little more childlike in our faith, by being willing to trust in God and believe in him with all our hearts, we will be lifted up and have joy in our lives.  Even in dark times.

Mark 10:14 Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the Kingdom of God.

We must still Seek Him!

(photo taken by Rich States Photography) 

It is the season of giving.  The season that we celebrate the birth of our beloved Savior Jesus Christ.  As I contemplate the true meaning of Christmas, I am humbled at the thought of the remarkable miracle of it all.  I am so thankful to know my Savior.  I often wonder, why? Why have I been so blessed to have been born to parents who taught me to know and love my Brother, Redeemer, and Savior Jesus Christ?

  We have been born in a time when the world needs the Savior more than ever.  It is our responsibility to bring him to those in this world who do not yet know him.  And bring him to those who have forgotten.  "For God so loved the world, he sent his only begotten Son."  God loves us, Christ loves us.  We are theirs, and they are ours.  And we must teach the people.  We must teach our children.  We must spread the word of his Glorious birth and teachings!  We must shout it out from the roof tops!  We must not be afraid to live what we preach and be who our Savior wants us to be!  We must continually Seek Him!  Which leads me to the video I would like to share with you.  Which has uplifted my soul tonight.



I love you all.  Though many I do not know.  I love you.  I wish you all a very Merry Christmas.  And I hope you enjoy this video.



#Lookingforjesus #Sharethegift

I only want to Love

How do I explain the things to my children of the world today?  When I was younger, my parents did not need to explain why a woman marries a woman, and a man marries a man.  Today has brought so many emotions that I am feeling overwhelmed.  My heart has been so full from such a wonderful Conference this past weekend.  Elder Oaks prophesied these things to come to pass, and the very next day it happened.  It only proves to me the power of the men who are at the head of this great Church of Jesus Christ. Have faith......have faith.  It rings through my mind as I look at my children and realize that the world they are growing up in is far harder than the one I did.  HAVE FAITH!  Being a Christian and following the teachings of Jesus Christ is not popular. I want my children to always have the faith and the strength to believe in the words of the Prophets and the Savior, as they grow and discover who they are and will become, because in the end the choice is ultimately theirs.

I love my Savior.  And he loves me just as much as he loves the evil doers of this world.  How it must sadden him to watch them fall so deeply into the darkness.  But we can be the light.  My mother has always said, "My dear one, be a Light Giver."  So I say that to you, in the midst of so much darkness, we must continue to be the "Light Givers".  It is within us all, to be the light in the dark.  I believe that by doing this and as we keep listening to the still small voice, we will figure out our part.  We all have responsibilities to make this world a glorious one.

As certain happenings occurred in this state today, I found myself sobbing in heartbreak.  Because I will have to explain things to my children that I cannot understand myself.  I admit I feel like I am lost in this.  I have no words to give to help such a small innocent child with so many questions understand these things.

Because of my beliefs I have been called many names, even by those that I love.  How do I express my love and devotion to them, even though I may not agree with them?  It is not righteous to be contentious.  And I have no desire to be contentious.  The spirit runs from contention, and I do not want that.  I want peace within the differences of my fellow man.   I love you.  I will never despise you just because you make choices I don't.  My role is to love, never to hate,  Even though I am labeled as a hater, I am not.  I truly am not.  Please respect my children as I teach them to love God and love Jesus Christ.  Please understand this is not only sensitive to you who live differently than I do.  Please be kind as I am kind to you.  I respect that you have the right to live the way you choose.  And I will never be cruel. I only want to bring happiness to those around me.

As my heart breaks, please know it does not mean I do not care.

I trust in my Savior.  I love him.  He knows me by name,  He is always with me.  He will help me be strong,  When my Savior comes I want to be able to look into his eyes, fall to his feet and say "Lord, I am a sinner, but I love thee, please forgive me, I am trying to be who thou wants me to be."

I promise to never spread hateful words.  I love you, even if you do not love me.

Women of the Church

I do my best to stay away from controversial topics on my blog.  But this has weighed heavily on my mind, and I felt I needed to share it.

 In the world today, there are many things that we face that we did not even face 5 years ago. At least not to the degree we do today.  Technology continues to skyrocket and blow my mind at times.  With all these great things that we have, also comes great wickedness.  Not the technology itself of course, but the people who use it.  Satan uses all that is created for our good, for our destruction!  Something that we are facing in the church today, is who should hold the priesthood.  And the media and internet has exploded with the topic.  And through the use of technology, many have followed and supported this.  Now, I understand that there are those who have a righteous desire to know the answer to whether women should hold the priesthood.  I believe that they have received their answer.  But since it was not the answer they were seeking, they continue to push the issue.  They, through negative influence, are being deceived.  They are unwilling to understand the purpose of these things, and have lost faith in our leaders. (Let me remind you, these are my own opinions. And not to be confused with doctrine, although I think doctrine supports my opinion.)   As a young girl I remember watching the young men passing the sacrament.  I remember thinking that I could not wait until I got to do that.  So I asked my mom when it would be my turn.  She then explained that girls did not pass the sacrament.  I asked why, and she said because boys hold the priesthood, and girls do not.  I asked why, and she said, because women do not need it, and boys do.  That seemed to satisfy my curiosity and I was fine with that answer.  As a young child I had faith that what my mother was telling me was true.  And she had faith that what the leaders of the church told her was true. And that they spoke for God. 

So why are we as adults so quick to question the leaders of the church?  Why do we doubt them?  Do you not know that most doubt comes from the adversary?  Be stronger than that!  Be a woman of God!  I believe that we as women have such an amazing opportunity in this day. We have opportunities we have never had before!  So why don’t we stand up for ourselves, instead of whining about things we think we are entitled to?  I will tell you right now, Kate Kelly has been deceived by the adversary.  I know this to be true.  And I pray that she will find peace one day in her choices.  Do you not remember that this is all a part of Satan’s plan?  False priests who oppress!  He declared that this is what he would do.  When you start to follow someone who preaches and leads you to doubt the words of the prophets, it just shouts deception. And I cannot understand why this is something that is so hard to see. 

As a woman of the church I feel great honor and joy in my abilities to lead in this church.  We have the power of the priesthood sisters!  And we use it.  We may not be ordained, but we have the power within us. Ordination is not necessary.   It is promised to us that we will be granted all the same glories as any man can.  Man holds nothing over me, and I nothing over him.  We are equals in the eyes of the Lord.  He loves us all equally, so of course we are given equal opportunities for all the same blessings we are promised, if we keep our covenants. 

We are blessed to live in a time and in a religion where we are free to ask questions.  But, we must learn to recognize when those questions are answered, even when the answer may not be what we wanted or hoped for.  On Sunday my Bishop got up and gave us a warning that struck me.  I was filled with the spirit telling me his words were of God, and that they were true.  He spoke these words with such power I could not deny them.  He said, “If we are endowed, and we are not attending the Temple, reading and studying our scriptures and praying regularly, WE WILL BE DECEIVED!”  And we will be my dear friends. So take head, and have faith!

I know that the Gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the only church on this earth to be true.  I know that the Leaders of the church speak the words of God.  I know that my Savior bled and died for our sins!  He is the living water!  We thirst for his love and mercy.  And it is freely given if we are willing to partake of it.   I know that Thomas S. Monson is the true and living Prophet today.  I know that Joseph Smith saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ when he was just 14 years old.  He translated the gold plates into the sacred words of The Book of Mormon, another Testament of Jesus Christ.  I know that we are given blessings to help us achieve the rewards we are promised. 

Our Savior loves us.  He is there to advocate for us and guide us.  He is our Redeemer and friend. Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

Dear 12 yr old Me

When I entered Jr. High I was excited and nervous.  Little did I know that struggles of growing up were going to take their toll on me.  But obviously I survived.  I look back now and wish I could tell myself a few things.  Although I know part of who I am today, is that tiny little girl, who tried desperately to fit in.  But if I were given the chance, this is what I would tell her.



Dear Me,

  Life is not going to be easy.  But you are going to go through some things that will change you, make you sad, angry, and want to give up.  But you will also experience JOY, excitement and pure love.  But I want to tell you something.  IT IS OK not to be popular!  The popular kids are not the type of people you want to hang out with.  You are ok with just being you!  You are strong, you are smart, you can get through it all.  But you cannot do it alone.  You need your Savior, you need your family.  There is going to come a time where certain choices need to be made.  Please listen to the spirit.  Please listen to your mother.  Please listen to your heart.  Your feelings for certain people will allow satan to tempt you.  RUN!  Stay close to the gospel, read your scriptures, say your prayers.  And please smile.  Smile!  Don't walk through the hallway with your head down. LIFT IT UP!  You are worth knowing.



Love, Me



Today young boys and girls, even us older ones, sometimes feel like we have to dress to impress.  Always trying to look like a million bucks, having the latest styles in clothing, makeup, etc.  You have to be skinny.  Because being anything else is just gross, or that is how the world makes you feel.  I believe in trying to stay healthy, which I do not always find easy...ok I never find it easy.  But why do we have to try so hard!?  Colbie Caillat recently came out with a new song called, "Try".  And I love it!  It is my new theme song.  It has helped me feel better about just being who I am.



I believe we must always strive to become better people, but sometimes we can lose ourselves in the process.  Please remember what is most important in this life.  We are not alone in this journey.  Remember you must have faith.  You must trust in the Lord.  He is there to guide you.  Listen to the still small voice.



To all the youth, Please know how wonderful you are.  Don't let the temptations of this world drag you down.  Look in the mirror and smile.  Because there is no one else in this world like you.  You are special, you are beautiful, you are worth it, you are loved.  You are Sons and Daughters of a Heavenly King.  What a remarkable thing to know!



Since I love this song so much I thought I would share it with you all.  Now go out and find joy, even if your day is bitter.  There is joy in the world.

Christ Wants to Forgive

The Atonement is an amazing gift we have all been given.  It is amazing to me how much we all take this gift for granted in this life.  We can use it daily, hourly, every minute of our lives.

There are times in our lives where we feel sad, lonely and lost.  It is in those moments we must do our very best to remember our Saviors love for us.  I know he loves us, and he knows our pains on a very personal level.  He is never gone from us.  And though sometimes we distance ourselves from him, he is always there waiting for us to return to him.  There are times in all our lives where it would be so nice to have our problems, heartaches and trials just magically vanish.  It is in those moments we need to allow him into our souls to buoy us up and comfort us, and to help us find the path that is best for us.  I know he is there. I know from personal experience.  Jesus Christ is the Living Water.  And though we may not always realize it, we thirst for his love, every single one of us.  The atonement is the way to satisfy that thirst.

I will never forget the feeling I had after I went back to church with a true repentant heart.  I emphasize TRUE repentant heart, because there were times I thought I was sorry, but I don't know that I truly was.  Imagine with me for a moment.  Imagine you are in a desert.  You have been traveling for many days, you are thirsty and you are broken and you are feeling defeat, despair, loneliness and hopelessness. And you finally get to that tall cold glass of refreshing water.  You feel it go down your throat, and coat your stomach with relief.  That is what true repentance feels like. You step through the doors and allow your heart to begin to heal through the atonement of Christ, and suddenly your filling your thirst.  It as if you can finally take a breath, and feel relief from your troubles.  When I stepped through the doors of the church, truly repentant, it was like a breath of fresh air, like I was taking a drink after desperate thirst.  I was finally healing.

We cannot know what the future holds, what trials we will face.  But we can know that our burdens can be made light, and we can have comfort in our Savior.  I know my Savior lives and loves us.  He is the light and the way.  Letting go of our fears and anxiety can be so very hard and seem overwhelming, but it is possible through our beloved Savior.  Trust in him, trust in yourself.  Have faith and know that our Savior wants us to be happy.  We deserve great things in this life, we just need to believe that and have faith.  Our Savior wants to forgive.  All we need do, is ask.  And know that he is always there.

Through a Child's Eye's

For the past year I have had one of the most rewarding and challenging callings.  I am a Young Women's Adviser for the Special Needs Mutual.  It has completely changed my life and brought me so much joy.  I learn so much from them, far more than they could possibly learn from me.  But let me take you back to before I was given this opportunity.

I have a cousin who is special needs, I love and adore her so much.  I also used to babysit a young boy with Downs Syndrome, and I loved him so very much as well.   I think I have been blessed to have them in my life, so they could prepare me for my calling that I have now.  I have always loved those with special needs.  So when I became a mother, I wanted to make sure my children knew how wonderful these special individuals are.  When I have noticed my children staring or when they have asked me questions, I answer them with this, "They are angels. Can you see how special they are?"  So this is how my children have perceived them, as angels.  Because they are.  They are incredible.  They have perfect love.

Every year the mutual puts on a production, and they all look forward to it.  I have had the amazing opportunity to direct a scene for the past 2 productions, and it has been a lot of fun.  This year, my 6 yr old daughter asked if she could help me.  She and I would practice the dance at home, and then every Thursday at rehearsal she would help teach it to our group.  Watching my little 6 year old do this was remarkable to me.  As she grew to love these individuals I noticed something about her.  She did not see their disability, she just loved them.  She talked to them like she talked to a great friend.  She hugged them and played with them.  She just saw love.  The love just came flowing out of her, and I was overwhelmed with pride in my sweet little daughter.  I believe she saw them as God does.  Beautiful, Perfect and yes, Angels.  These individuals are so much better and wiser than I am.  Some of the things that they say are pure genius.  The amount of love they offer is amazing.  And I love them so deeply.

My wish is that everyone could see them through my child's eye's.  She sees them for the perfect people that they are.  She sees them with pure Christ like love.  She sees them as beautiful and kind.  She sees THEM, not their disability.  And it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed.

This calling has enriched my life, it has helped me gain so much more understanding about the Savior.  These choice spirits have so much love to give.  They amaze me every week.  And I am proud and so very blessed to call them my friends.

So next time you see someone with special needs, I urge you to look in their eyes, and see how wonderful they are.  See them as though you are looking through an innocent child's eye's, see THEM.  Because they are remarkable.

GIVEAWAY!

It is the season of giving!  You have the chance to win an 11x14 print of either the Bountiful Temple or Salt Lake Temple!  Photo taken by R & L Photography.

To enter go to my facebook page https://www.facebook.com/liftingthesoul and comment on the giveaway post!

The giveaway ends Dec. 18 !  Good luck!

If you are the winner the photo you choose will come to you without the watermark on it. 

 Any copying or printing of these photos with watermark and without permission or purchase from R & L Photography is prohibited by law

When to Stay or Go

We are taught that we should NEVER give up on anyone.  And I believe that with all my heart.  But there do come times in our lives, when we simply, or not so simply, have to walk away.  Walking away does not symbolize "giving up".  But as I have learned, sometimes for our own salvation, well being or happiness, we must leave a relationship behind.  It is never an easy thing to do.  In fact, it can be one of the hardest things you may ever do.  But it does not mean you have given up on the person you have to leave behind.  You can still pray for them, you can still have fond memories and you can still be a good person.

This is something I have struggled with.  Because I like to help people. I like to serve my Father in Heaven by serving and loving those around me.  By helping them know the love the peace our Savior brings.  I cannot expect them to follow my same path. And I don't.  I hope that they will feel what I feel, but I cannot make them.  I offer advice for things that have helped me in my life, because that is what I have to give.  If something has helped shape my life, and made me have true joy, OF COURSE I want to share that.  But I understand that we are here to choose our own paths, make our own choices and live our own lives.  And though I love to be a good friend, and love those around me, I have had to walk away.  It has not been easy, it has been very painful.  But through sincere prayer in searching for my answers, I know I made the right choice.  But right choices are not always easy.

With faith, I can do hard things.  Our Savior loves each of us equally.  But he knows we are stubborn and weak mortals.  We are not expected to be perfect, that is what is so comforting and beautiful.  Our journey may be difficult, but through endurance and much faith, the reward will be worth the long journey.  Our Savior puts opportunities in our paths to help or be helped.  It is up to us to follow the promptings we are given.  And when we are the helper, it is up to us to listen intently to know and understand the things we should do.  But sometimes, our help is not invited or welcomed as we hope.  But we keep trying, as long as we can.  Sometimes we help forever.  Other times we must think of our family and their's and our own well being. If it becomes dangerous, dark or starts to bring us down, those are times we get down on our knees and pray for guidance.  So we can know if we should Stay or Go.  And if the answer is to go....pray, pray for comfort, pray for strength, and do the things the Savior needs you to do. Though you yourself have to walk away, our Savior has not left them.  And we can pray for them always.  If your answer is to stay, do the same thing and pray.

This is something I have learned. There those who desire to lead us astray, at those times we must listen to the whispering's of the Spirit and trust in the knowledge and love of our Heavenly Father and our Savior.  They do know what is best for us.  They also know that the journey may be a difficult one.  That is why they have assured us that they are there for us.....Always.

Never Give Up on anyone, true, and that includes yourself.

Who Will You Be?

When I was 12 years old, I entered those life changing doors of Jr. High.  I was a skinny nerdy girl, who was terrified of the unknown.  I of course made lifelong friends in there.  But I also realized, not everyone was going to like me.  And I learned that very quickly.

 It was the week just after the first snow of the year and I had gone sledding that weekend.  As I entered the doors of the classroom I saw a girl, who I had seen at the park.  So with a smile on my face, I turned to her and said, "Hey!  I saw you sledding!" I thought I was about to make a new friend.....oh no, that was not the case.  She must have heard me wrong.  Now, this girl was much taller and larger than I was, and she glared at  me with so much anger, I instinctively just started to RUN!  She then began chasing me screaming horrible names at me and things she was going to do to me.  I ran into the bathroom and hid in a stall.  She came bursting through the door, still screaming.  "I KNOW YOU'RE IN HERE!  I'M GONNA HURT YOU SO BAD!" I was shaking in absolute fear, wondering why telling her I saw her sledding made her so angry?  I heard the 2 min bell ring, and I prayed she would leave so she would not be late to class.  "I'M NOT LEAVING UNTIL YOU COME OUT!", she screamed.  And then the toilet in the stall next to me began to overflow, seriously this moment just kept getting worse.  Until, a voice yelled back at this girl that was threatening my very life saying, "SHOULDN'T YOU BE IN CLASS? GET OUT OF HERE AND LEAVE HER ALONE!" The girl in route to my very destruction tried to argue back, but this voice won the argument.  I don't remember what was said, but she left. She actually let me live!  Then there was a knock at the stall door, "Hey are you ok?" I unlocked it.  Her name is Erin, and she walked right through that toilet water that was all over the floor and rescued me.  She hugged me and told me she would walk me back to my class to make sure I would be safe.  She was my hero!  And I bet she does not even remember that moment, but I will never forget it, and I will always be thankful to her for the rest of my life.  Because though I don't think the girl would have actually killed me, I would have been injured for sure.  So Erin, Thank You!  From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU!

Jr. High was not an easy place for me.  But there were always those people who made it better.  Who were not the bully's.  I had other moments in Jr. High that were not pleasant, but thankfully that was the only time my life ever felt threatened.  And with great parents and faith in my Father in Heaven and my Savior and a few friends, I made it through all in one piece.

So I ask you, who are you going to be? The one who traps someone in a stall? Or saves the one hiding? There are always going to be those who strive to put us down.  But we can make the choice how we choose to react.  I for one hope to always be willing to help the one in need.  Because I think it is what our Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ would want us to do.  Be the hero, not the enemy.


  There are times in our lives when we feel scared and threatened, beat up and put down, lost and angry, sad and lonely, helpless and afraid.  But in those times, if we turn to our Heavenly Father in prayer, we can make it.  We can overcome the battle that has brought us down and get back up.  Will it be easy?  Probably not.  But it will be worth it? Yes.  I look back at my many challenges in life, and though I wish I never had to go through any of them, I am who I am because of them.  They made me stronger and more understanding and compassionate to those around me.  And I know there will still be challenges ahead, and I pray daily that I can have more strength to overcome my weaknesses and more strength to make it through it all.  Life is scary, but it is also beautiful.  Remember we are NEVER alone, we have a Savior who loves us, and has felt and experienced our pains.  He will be there to buoy us up in our time of need.  This I promise you.

His Love is UnFailing

Life on this earth can be hard, at times completely overwhelming and devastating.  But we must do our best to keep faith, and remember that the Savior will not forsake us.  He is there to buoy us up, comfort us, hold us and bless us.  We must remember that he knows and feels our pains.  Though people on this earth may not fully understand what we feel, or what we are going through.  Our Savior does.  I myself have needed this reminder many times in my life.  And I am sure I will need it again and again.  The words of President Henry B. Eyring are inspiring and warm.  Take comfort in them.  Know, that you are a child of God and that your troubles do not go unnoticed by our Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ.  He will place people and tools in your paths to help you.  I know this to be true.  I know that our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are continually mindful of our needs.  We are never forgotten, we are loved.

Being a Mother

I am a mother........the thing I have always wanted to be.  Today has been a trying day for me.  One of those days where I long for bedtime to come.  As I sat in tears tonight over the trying day I have had.  I watched this video.

Being a mother is not an easy job.  But it is so rewarding.......I know this.  I KNOW THIS.  I hope this brings you comfort and peace tonight.

Love to all my readers.

Daughters of God

HELLO!  It has been a long time since I have written on this blog.  And for those who read it, I am sorry.

Today is the Sabbath day.  A day of worship and a day of rest.  And so, as my children nap or have quiet time.....hopefully, I thought I would finally get back to this blog.  It is a healing thing for me.  And also helps me reflect on the things that are most important in my life.

Today in Relief Society, the lesson was about the Priesthood.  Women in the Church do not hold the Priesthood.  And for those who do not understand may think, that that is not fair.  I myself have no problem with it.  And here is why.

When I was little, I remember seeing the young men pass the Sacrament.  I remembering thinking, "I can't wait until I can do that!"  And then I was told that the girls don't pass the sacrament.  You need the priesthood to do that.  But, it did not mean I was any less important or less equal to those who can hold the priesthood.  I have callings and duties that are just as equal and vital to the building up of the Kingdom of God.  I have never felt dominated or that I have had to submit myself to those who hold the priesthood, because that is simply not the case.

As women in the church, we have a duty to support and sustain our priesthood leaders, as long as they are righteous in the use of their priesthood.  We are to teach the children the importance of the gospel, to know and love their Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ.  We must also remember that the men in our lives would not be able to fulfill their priesthood duties without the women of the church.  Our role is just as vital as theirs.  Never let yourself feel like you are less.  Because you are not.  I know this to be true.  I know that our Heavenly Father holds his daughters with so much love and so much pride.  We are of so much worth to him and to those men we sustain in the righteous use of their priesthood.  We are Daughters of God.

Christmas Flash Mob by Journey of Faith at South Bay Galleria - official...

How wonderful that things like this happen!  The purpose of Christmas is usually so overshadowed these days, it is refreshing to see that so many do know and love the true meaning of Christmas.  This video touched me so much at the end.  Especially when they sing O Holy Night.  At the end a young boys reaction at seeing Baby Jesus captivated me.  I hope this lifts your soul as it did mine.  "Every Knee Shall Bow, and every Tongue shall confess, that Jesus isThe Christ."