Postpartum Depression/Anxiety Old post from now private blog.

This is a blog post that I wrote on a now private blog. But I feel that this is a post that should be public, so that if it can help someone else, they can be helped. That is the only reason.


WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2010

Postpartum Depression/Anxiety

I have been contemplating on whether or not I wanted to write about this, but I feel it may help me in the long run. I believe that being honest about this is a good thing and will help me heal faster. So if you have not figured it out, I have been suffering from this horrible condition called Postpartum Depression. And the anxiety is just a lovely additive. The anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks one night...and I have not been able to make it go away as I would like to. Why the anxiety? Honestly, I don't know the real cause. Maybe because two children has proven to be harder than I imagined, or maybe because this week Gerritt has to go back to work. Or maybe it is just part of the depression. I am not real sure.
Along with this depression, it has made me feel like I am failing as a mother, I am told everyday that I am not, and I am trying to listen to those who are telling me this. The anxiety makes me feel physically impaired. It makes me feel detached from my life. My wonderful life as I have known it. The worst part of all, is because of this sickness, and yes it is a real sickness, I have not wanted to hold, talk to, or feed my baby. I hate to admit this, and it makes me feel evil, and horrible, but like I said, I feel that being honest will be healing. Don't get me wrong I love my baby. But with this problem I am faced with, that love is harder to feel and see. And it has been devastating to me. And I cry about it often. I feel like I am all alone.......I know I am not, but that doesn't change the way I feel. I wonder had I not gotten so sick a week after she was born, and had to spend a night in the hospital away from her....would I be going through this now? My body has not healed as fast as it did with Meagan, my body has been weak, and ill. And I wonder if that is the true cause of all this, including my hormones going crazy...I mean I did just have a baby about 3 weeks ago, I shouldn't expect to be 100% yet. But this has been harder for me than I planned and thought it would be.
So yes I admitted this to my Dr. I was honest and asked for help. I was given Zoloft and told to take 1/2 a pill everyday, unless I felt I needed more. Well when the anxiety hit, I was told to take a whole pill everyday, and for the anxiety xanax is what I have been prescribed. I feel it is important to admit this. I have been someone who has advised others to take medicine for depression/anxiety, because if it is going to make you feel better, then why not take it. It is no different than someone that needs to take blood pressure meds everyday. But for some reason, when it is a mental thing, people tend to feel ashamed and less of a person. I am here to admit, I have felt less of a person, because I have not been able to function as I am used to. But I also know that these medicines will help me function again. And so therefore I am going to take them and not be ashamed of it.
For those who may have suffered from this...your advice is welcomed, and for those who may not have suffered from this, I hope you are understanding and kind about this trial I face. I look forward to the day when I wake up, and I am whole again. That will be a liberating day. Until then I am just taking it all one day at a time. Forcing myself to do the things, my mind and body don't feel like doing. Talking to my sweet baby and getting to know her. Trying to enjoy my 2 year old and reminding her that I love her everyday. Trying to get out of the house and doing things that feel normal, or make me feel more alive. I am trying, and for now that is all I can do. I try to be strong, and I try to remind myself that this to shall pass. I asked "Why do I have to go through this? It just is not fair!" And I still think that it is not fair. But I try to remind myself that maybe, just maybe this is something I have to go through.......maybe I can help someone else.
I have been blessed with a wonderful support system. A family there when I need them, making sure I am not alone if I feel I can't be. A husband who is understanding that I can't help the way I feel, and that I am trying and wanting to be better and to be myself. A husband who says, do what you can to feel better, and doesn't push me to do things I feel I cannot, except eat.....I am forced to eat. My mother is constantly reminding me of my good qualities, reminding me that I am not failing, that I will get through this, and it will all feel normal. And so many more who would do whatever I ask. I have been blessed, and this is something I try to remind myself of.
I also know, that I can find complete healing through my Savior. I know that he understands my pain and suffering, and that he is there to heal me. And as much as I would like to be like the woman who just touched his clothes and was healed, I know I must find healing within myself, I must have strength and faith to receive the healing power of Jesus Christ. He is my brother, my Savior and my Redeemer. And I love him.
So this is me being honest. This is me telling my story, as to help heal myself. I am thankful for all I have, and I love my sweet precious children. And I pray and hope that soon, I can be the mother that they deserve. And until then, I will rely on my family and my Savior to help me become me again.

I am a Christian

I have told you all before that I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Or as the world would call me, I am a Mormon. Lately our church has been splattered on the news as many things that we are not. Such as a "cult", which we are not. Are we polygamists, NO! We have been painted as intolerant and hateful, which we are not. Of course there are things our church does not allow, but that does not mean we don't love and respect others. But every religion has things that it will not allow, we are not different in that sense. We different in the sense that we do not conform to the changes of the times. What is taught is always the same and will not change. We will hold steadfast to what we believe and know to be true.

One thing that has been said a lot lately, is that Mormon's are not Christians! How could this ever be assumed?! The title of our church holds the Sacred name of Jesus Christ. So why are we being labeled as a Non-Christian faith? I really do not understand it. It cuts me to the very core and saddens me that someone would really believe that we are not Christians. Because we are, and we always have been, and we always will be. Jesus Christ is the center of our faith. He is our Redeemer, our Savior, our Messiah, our Brother, and Friend. He bled from every pore, and he died to save us all. I know he loves me. He has buoyed me up in my darkest hours. He has given me strength in my weaknesses. He has never left me alone and he never will. This I know. So why would am I called a Non-Christian? This I cannot understand. And as I sit here and write. I realize that it does not really matter whether others believe that I am a Christian. What matters is that I KNOW that I AM A CHRISTIAN. And I always will be.

I hope you enjoy this song with pictures of My Savior, Our Savior.

Truth

Hello on this snowy Utah morning. This is to my friends who are not members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. And for those who are, but may be struggling in the faith. I am going to start by giving you my testimony.

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know it to be true. I know that Joseph Smith knelt down at the tender age of 14 and with a sincere heart prayed unto Heavenly Father about which church to join, and though as he tried to speak and was bound by the adversary, a pillar of light, that defies all description descended upon him. And there standing before him was Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ. The Father spoke to Joseph saying, "This is my beloved Son, Jesus Christ. Hear him." And I know that Joseph was told to join none of the churches, but that he was to restore the true gospel of Jesus Christ to the earth in this last dispensation. I know this. I know that The Book of Mormon is another true testament of our Savior. I know that the words in this beloved book are true. I know that it is through our Savior that we are saved in this life. That through his atonement that we can become clean and forgiven of our sins. I know this. I know this all to be true. I know that we must all try to be like Jesus. I know that he loves us all and wants us to come unto him. And I know that I must do whatever I can to help those who do not know him, to come to a knowledge of him, to feel his love and the light he offers.

This video I am sharing is one of true greatness. I hope that my friends who do not understand what the Book of Mormon is will watch this. I hope you can feel the peace this book can offer. This man is truly a remarkable man and missionary of Christ.

Do You Believe?

Do you believe? This is a question that has been circling in my mind for a few days now. Something that has kept me thinking. And I asked myself, Do I believe?

I do believe. I believe that our Savior, Jesus Christ is the Son of God. I believe that he walked the earth and taught the people. Think about that, imagine what it must have been like for those people. How blessed they were to have the Savior on the earth in their time. To see him, to possibly touch him. And to hear and drink in his teachings. What a glorious time it must have been. But, also a hard time as there was much opposition against our Savior. But he was a humble loving and peaceful man, and knowing that, I wonder how anyone would ever want to spit on him, hurt him and in the end kill him? Though these things needed to happen for God's plan to move forward, it is still something I will never understand in this life. But I know it had to happen so that we could all be forgiven of our sins that we will and do commit in this life, so that we can return to live with our Father in Heaven.

So do you? Do you believe? Do you believe that Jesus Christ suffered for all mankind? Do you believe that he died for all of us?

In this video Elder Jeffrey R. Holland expresses some of his feelings of the Savior. It is hard not to feel of the truth of his words, and the spirit that radiates from his words.



I have many friends and family who do not believe as I do. Some who have completely turned their backs to all religion for reasons I do not understand. Some who just have another faith than I do. But when it all comes down to it. We are all sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father. And we are all brothers and sisters to our Savior Jesus Christ. And we all rely on him, whether we know we do or not. So I ask you, Do you believe?

Be A Light Giver

"Be A Light Giver" is something my mother has always said to me. And it is something that has been on my mind as I see others going through difficult, sad and extremely rough times.

I have had family and friends who have been affected by divorce. This is not something I myself can be 100 % understanding about, but I know that sometimes relationships cannot be healed. I know what it feels like to be emotionally and verbally abused. I know the pain that an ended relationship can bring. But divorce was not involved in my ending, as I was not married to the man who caused the abuse. So as I consider friends and family that are going through such heartbreak, sadness and anger, how and what can I do to help them? I want to lift the souls of the burdened and sad. I want to see them smile and feel the warmth and love that our Father in Heaven and our Savior have for them. Divorce is something that can never be easy, it is not a decision these people have made lightly, it has taken much thought anguish and prayer to make such a choice.

I pray my readers, that we are willing to help our family and friends by showing compassion love and no judgement. It is not our place to judge and pry for the details of something that is very personal to each individual that goes through something so heartbreaking as divorce. Sometimes children are involved, and I believe that would make the choice 10 times harder and terrifying. So instead of placing blame from outside the situation, offer love and support. Be a relief to the individual, help them find joy and love. Be a shoulder to cry on. And by all means DO NOT help them by telling them how wonderful your spouse is in those tender moments. I believe we need respectful of what they are going through. And often pray about how to help them, and pray for them.

I know that every situation is different. I know that everyone handles things in a different way. Be mindful and comforting to those friends and family. Help them by loving them, whether they seem like the guilty or the innocent.

Dallin H. Oaks talks about this in the video below. I pray for anyone who may be suffering and going through this hard time. I pray that we can all be a lifter of souls, and lighten the burdens of our loved ones. Be as my mother has always said, "A light giver". Offer the comfort and solace that our Savior would. Help them to remember and know that Jesus Christ is there for them and is there to buoy them up and give them the peace and comfort. Love them.

Comfort in Forgiveness

We have all done and said things we regret. We cannot deny that. I have done it many times. And when I find that I have done these things, I feel remorse and sadness for my mistake, so I try my best to do what I can to correct it and make it right. And for the most part the sorry and remorse is reciprocated, and relationships are mended and the offense is forgotten. And that always leaves you feeling good, and repentant in a way. But what about the times when the apology is not reciprocated by forgiveness? What if there is still a grudge being held? What happens when they say nothing to you? I have had this happen to me, it is something that I have let bother me, and I keep asking what else needs to be done to make the wrong right?

The most recent experience for me is something that I still think about. Things were said out of anger, I seriously felt my foot enter my mouth, but before I could stop it, it was to late. I could not take back the words. And because of this whole situation some people had hurt feelings. I tried to call, but got no answer on the other line. I left a message, but did not get called back. So I sent an e-mail, and though I was not forgiven, at least there was response and they acknowledged my efforts to an extent. And to the other person, I sent a text message, but never heard back. This one haunted me. Why would they just ignore my heartfelt apology? Why? I asked that question over and over again in my mind. I would tell myself, they know me, they know I really am a good person, but even good people make mistakes. I recognized it, why could I not be forgiven? This is something I will never know on their end.

So I have wondered, when we ask for forgiveness and forgiveness is not received from the person, what do we do? I talked to my husband, who is better at thinking these things through. He told me that he felt I really had done nothing wrong in the first place. But he knew it was something that had bothered me, and he said, "Honey, you have done all you can do. If they choose not to respond it is no longer your responsibility to apologize anymore." I thought about that for a while. And then I reflected on my Savior. Jesus Christ forgives us, he wants to, he just needs us to ask. If there is something that we have done, he is always there to buoy us up, and comfort our hearts. He WANTS and WILL forgive us if we get on bended knee and simply ask for it. Sometimes the journey of forgiveness is a long and hard one, but he never leaves us in silence. He always is there to answer us, to comfort us, and to guide us. He will NEVER just ignore our pleas for forgiveness. And in that I take great comfort. I trust in him, I believe in him, I love and honor him. So when we ask for forgiveness from someone, and they ignore us, take comfort in remembering the Savior, and his love for EACH and EVERY one of us. Though an individual may not forgive, he will, and therefore you will find that forgiveness which ye seek. And we must always remember, when someone asks us for forgiveness, it is our duty to do so. Do not deny someone the comfort of forgiveness, because we ourselves would not want to be denied that comfort.

This video is a talk given by President James E. Faust in the April 2007 Conference. One of my favorites. I hope it helps you understand more about the power and true healing of forgiveness, the same way it has me.

A Decision

Since my husband has been working for the church, we have had the opportunity to go to a Temple devotional that is held in the Salt Lake Temple for the temple workers there. It has been a neat and touching experience every year. One I look forward to. This year this event has fallen on the same Sunday as my daughter's primary program. I have struggled on deciding what the best thing to do would be. Do I just have her not go while my husband and I attend the devotional? Or do we forgo that this year and watch our daughter give her one line in the program, "We are to feast upon the words of Christ." It is her very first primary program, do I really want to have her miss that? I just have not been sure what is right. Because the devotionals are always wonderful, and I love to go, yet I have been before and my daughters 1st primary program will only happen 1 time. Then this morning I read this quote,

Henry B. Eyring: "A wise parent would never miss a chance to gather children together to learn of the doctrine of Jesus Christ. Such moments are so rare in comparison with the efforts of the enemy. For every hour the power of doctrine is introduced into a child's life, there may be hundreds of hours of messages and images denying or ignoring the saving truths."

Ok, so I know what we are supposed to do. My daughter is more important than the devotional. I know that some may think this may be an easy choice one way or another, but it was something I struggled with.

It is just like her one simple line, "We are to feast upon the words of Christ." And though she is only 3 almost 4, she needs to learn what her line means. And I need to make sure I am an example of this. I think I know where my Savior would be. And that is where I will be. I look forward to attending her primary program this coming Sunday. :)