Tuesday, March 1, 2016

It Will Be Alright

The morning light broke through the window and I realized a new day had begun.  My mind leaving the dreams behind from the night, only to remember the reality of the daylight.  Do I have to get up?  Must I face yet another day of feeling the sadness that has filled my heart over the last few months?  But I hear my son yell, "Momma!" as he longs to get out of his crib, quietly I listen as I hear one of his older sisters sweetly say his name and lift him out of his bed.  Oh good. I think to myself, I can lay here a few moments longer.  That moment passes quickly as my darling little boy comes bounding into my room climbing onto my bed and lays his head on my chest, "Momma I had good seep!" he exclaims.  My heart though heavy, softens at his sweetness.  And I ask him if he is ready for breakfast and we both get up for the day. I get my oldest up out of bed and get them all breakfast.  While they eat I gather the clothes they need for school, and sit on the couch while they finish.  The rest doesn't last, as I must get them dressed, make sure they brush their teeth, get their shoes, do their hair and load them all in the car to drop them off.  We make the 12 mile drive to their school as they chatter joyfully in the back while my mind is thinking about the daily tasks. Do I do the laundry? What needs to be cleaned?  Do I find the time to workout?  Do I stop at McDonalds and get an unhealthy breakfast or the store and grab some donuts?  Or do I make the better choice and do neither of those things? I know it seems silly right, what a dumb thought.  But yet it was there.  When all I really want to do is rewind time.  But I can't.  No matter how much I want to, I must find the will to move forward. But it is not an easy thing to do or even think about when my mind is consumed by my sadness.

The day moves on, and I chose not to go get an unhealthy breakfast. I get home, and plop on the couch, should I exercise?  Every part of my body doesn't want to. So instead of pushing myself, I start reading articles and scrolling through facebook, all while trying to entertain my 2 yr old.  And before I know it 2 hours have gone by.  The thoughts of, I should have and could have rush through my mind, dragging me deeper.  Why is life like this?  I think to myself.  I just want one good thing to happen!  Then I look at the clock and I realize it is already time to pick up my daughter from Kindergarten, and I also have to pick up a prescription.  As I drive my 2 yr old falls asleep in the car, "Oh great there goes his nap for the day." I think to myself.  I pick up my daughter and go the the pharmacy.  As we pull in the driveway my son wakes up, "CRAP!" I say out loud.  My daughter says, "What mom?" I explain that it will just be hard to get her brother to take a nap now.  I figure we'll eat lunch and lay him down after that, maybe, just maybe he will nap during that time.

Suddenly it occurs to me, "Have I thought about anything happy today?" So I search my memory for a happier thought, it was easy, it goes back to our family vacation we took just before everything happened.  You see we won a trip to Disneyland, it was so amazing! And as I look back on it, a huge blessing.  We never would have been able to afford it had we not won, so we felt so so thankful, lucky and blessed.  I start reminiscing about the fun moments we all had, because it was truly magical.  Maybe that sounds cliche, but it was.  I think to myself, "I wonder if God gave us that vacation as a gift, so that we would be able to look back at that time, when things got bad?"  I believe he knows what awaits us in our journey through life.  And we have been assured that there will always be a light if we look for it.  But finding that light is not always so simple.  Even if the sun is shining.  We must seek after it.

And then the scripture from 3 Nephi 12:16 pops into my head saying, "Therefore let your light so shine before this people, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in Heaven."

As I ponder on how that scripture applies to me, my thoughts turn to my children.  Do I want them to always see me on the brink of tears?  Or remember a mother that smiles?  Does my inner light shine bright enough for them?  Lately I will admit it has not, as I have allowed myself to be consumed by my trials.  Do I forget to trust in the Lord?  Just like this man in the video below when he says, "I thought you would send someone."  I feel like I say that all the time, Father, I thought you would fix it, or answer when I thought it was best?  But the Lord needs us to do our part, he needs us to look for the light ourselves, and by doing so we will see his hand, love and mercy in our lives.

We are going to have days of struggle.  We will have days of sadness, and that is ok.  We must try to always remember to look for the light, let it shine and have hope.  And also trust in our loving Heavenly Father and Savior.  I know that by having faith and a hope of better times, my soul can be lifted.  And yours can too.  Though we may have trials that bring us down and cause us pain, with faith and hope in our Heavenly Father and Savior we can know that it will all be alright.  Just look for the Light.