Tuesday, May 24, 2016

I Wouldn't Change a Thing

I have had this post in my head for a few days now.  I have thought about writing it down, but was unsure.  But I am restless tonight and I cannot find solace in sleep.  Perhaps it is because my husband is out of town on business and I am here alone, or perhaps it is because I need to write this story.  So here it goes.

Just a few days ago, I awoke to my husband kissing me goodbye as he left for his early flight.  I hugged him tight and I told him I love him and to be safe.  I heard him leave, and closed my eyes.  That is when I remembered my dream I had had just before I woke up.  You see this dream has had me thinking a lot the past few days.  Before I tell you the dream, I will give a little back story, to help you understand it better, at least I hope it will help.

MANY years ago, I was dating this young man.  He was my first real boyfriend you could say. At least first real serious boyfriend.  I remember one specific day I was standing in his parents kitchen, I can't remember why or what the conversation had been about, but his mother was talking to me about something.  The only thing I remember her saying in this conversation was this, "You know, I love my son, but he is not a very good boyfrie........ oh I maybe shouldn't say that.  I'm sorry, I just think he needs to be more respectful." I told her it was ok,  I just smiled and we looked at each other straight in the eyes as if we both knew exactly what the other was thinking.  I think she knew then, that it would not last.

Back to my dream.  In this dream I was in the past, and I was there sitting with his mother as I waited for him to come home.  She was very kind to me in this dream.  She always has been, even after I ended my 2 yr relationship and engagement with her son. We sat there together and she said, "Why are you waiting for him?" My reply came out without hesitation, "Because I love him." It was quiet for a moment, then she began to tell me this. "I know you do.  But I don't know that he loves you the same way you love him. He is going to hurt you."  Then she proceeded to tell me all the things that were going to happen, all the things that DID happen.  She told me of all the ways he would hurt me. She told me of all the heartbreak I was going to face.  She told me to run.  In that moment, I had the option to change my future.  I was given the opportunity to change my path entirely.  To run, before I made some choices that led to deep and heavy loads of sin.  Heartbreak that left me physically tormented and sick.  As I looked right into this kind woman's eyes, I knew that everything she was saying was true.  I suddenly had the knowledge of my future, I knew I would not end up marrying her son, and instead marry my true knight in shining armor, my true love.  I looked right into her eyes and smiled and said, "I know. But I love him, and I know that he will never appreciate that or love me back that way I want him to.  But this is the path that I must take, to get to where I truly am meant to be.  Then he walked into the room, and I left with him out the door as she said, RUN.

Now this is not word for word of the dream, it was a lot more detailed, but this is the best way to write it down.  And this is what it taught me.

I have often thought about how much I wish I could go back and change it all.  Never meet this person who broke me, who put me through more torture than I deserved.  But as I look back now, though my life is no where near perfect, as I face things that are much harder than the heartbreak I faced in my past.  I would not change a thing.  Because I don't think I would have my family as I have it now.  And I can't imagine my life without any of them.  In this dream I had the chance to change everything.  But I chose not to.  Because I wanted what I have now.

Sometimes it takes years to understand the paths we chose in our past.  And many of us wish we could change them.  But we cannot change them, all we can do is learn from them.  That path nearly ruined my life, but, through the gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, my Master, I was able to return to the light.  I would not change a thing. Because I want what I have today,

If you are in the midst of darkened times, take comfort.  You are not there alone, it will not last forever, it will pass.  And good times are yet to come.  Have faith.  If it is to hard, just have hope.  Reach out to those who love you.  You are never too far gone for his mercy.  Give him your troubles, let him lighten your load.  Lean on the faith of those who love you, they cherish you, whether you feel you deserve it or not.  Do not let, shame, pride or fear hold you back,  Release the chains, let the grace and mercy of our loving Savior envelop you, and carry you through this.  Drink from the waters of his mercy.  Because I promise you, everything WILL be ok, Even if everything will be different and possibly very hard.  If you trust in Jesus Christ, it will all be worth it, it will all be alright.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

It Will Be Alright

The morning light broke through the window and I realized a new day had begun.  My mind leaving the dreams behind from the night, only to remember the reality of the daylight.  Do I have to get up?  Must I face yet another day of feeling the sadness that has filled my heart over the last few months?  But I hear my son yell, "Momma!" as he longs to get out of his crib, quietly I listen as I hear one of his older sisters sweetly say his name and lift him out of his bed.  Oh good. I think to myself, I can lay here a few moments longer.  That moment passes quickly as my darling little boy comes bounding into my room climbing onto my bed and lays his head on my chest, "Momma I had good seep!" he exclaims.  My heart though heavy, softens at his sweetness.  And I ask him if he is ready for breakfast and we both get up for the day. I get my oldest up out of bed and get them all breakfast.  While they eat I gather the clothes they need for school, and sit on the couch while they finish.  The rest doesn't last, as I must get them dressed, make sure they brush their teeth, get their shoes, do their hair and load them all in the car to drop them off.  We make the 12 mile drive to their school as they chatter joyfully in the back while my mind is thinking about the daily tasks. Do I do the laundry? What needs to be cleaned?  Do I find the time to workout?  Do I stop at McDonalds and get an unhealthy breakfast or the store and grab some donuts?  Or do I make the better choice and do neither of those things? I know it seems silly right, what a dumb thought.  But yet it was there.  When all I really want to do is rewind time.  But I can't.  No matter how much I want to, I must find the will to move forward. But it is not an easy thing to do or even think about when my mind is consumed by my sadness.

The day moves on, and I chose not to go get an unhealthy breakfast. I get home, and plop on the couch, should I exercise?  Every part of my body doesn't want to. So instead of pushing myself, I start reading articles and scrolling through facebook, all while trying to entertain my 2 yr old.  And before I know it 2 hours have gone by.  The thoughts of, I should have and could have rush through my mind, dragging me deeper.  Why is life like this?  I think to myself.  I just want one good thing to happen!  Then I look at the clock and I realize it is already time to pick up my daughter from Kindergarten, and I also have to pick up a prescription.  As I drive my 2 yr old falls asleep in the car, "Oh great there goes his nap for the day." I think to myself.  I pick up my daughter and go the the pharmacy.  As we pull in the driveway my son wakes up, "CRAP!" I say out loud.  My daughter says, "What mom?" I explain that it will just be hard to get her brother to take a nap now.  I figure we'll eat lunch and lay him down after that, maybe, just maybe he will nap during that time.

Suddenly it occurs to me, "Have I thought about anything happy today?" So I search my memory for a happier thought, it was easy, it goes back to our family vacation we took just before everything happened.  You see we won a trip to Disneyland, it was so amazing! And as I look back on it, a huge blessing.  We never would have been able to afford it had we not won, so we felt so so thankful, lucky and blessed.  I start reminiscing about the fun moments we all had, because it was truly magical.  Maybe that sounds cliche, but it was.  I think to myself, "I wonder if God gave us that vacation as a gift, so that we would be able to look back at that time, when things got bad?"  I believe he knows what awaits us in our journey through life.  And we have been assured that there will always be a light if we look for it.  But finding that light is not always so simple.  Even if the sun is shining.  We must seek after it.

And then the scripture from 3 Nephi 12:16 pops into my head saying, "Therefore let your light so shine before this people, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in Heaven."

As I ponder on how that scripture applies to me, my thoughts turn to my children.  Do I want them to always see me on the brink of tears?  Or remember a mother that smiles?  Does my inner light shine bright enough for them?  Lately I will admit it has not, as I have allowed myself to be consumed by my trials.  Do I forget to trust in the Lord?  Just like this man in the video below when he says, "I thought you would send someone."  I feel like I say that all the time, Father, I thought you would fix it, or answer when I thought it was best?  But the Lord needs us to do our part, he needs us to look for the light ourselves, and by doing so we will see his hand, love and mercy in our lives.

We are going to have days of struggle.  We will have days of sadness, and that is ok.  We must try to always remember to look for the light, let it shine and have hope.  And also trust in our loving Heavenly Father and Savior.  I know that by having faith and a hope of better times, my soul can be lifted.  And yours can too.  Though we may have trials that bring us down and cause us pain, with faith and hope in our Heavenly Father and Savior we can know that it will all be alright.  Just look for the Light.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Give Your Burden to the Lord

Not long ago I was sitting in Sacrament meeting, and as the prayer was being given the person said, "Bless all those who are going through hard times and trials, that they may have comfort."  I remember thinking, I am so glad that is not me right now.  I felt so safe and secure in the direction of my life in that moment.  It was blissful and peaceful.  So much joy.

But life does not always go as we plan.  Life throws us curve balls that change our path and lives in ways we never imagined.  Trials will come, we cannot avoid them.  They can be small, or they can be gigantic.  No matter what the trial, or how serious it may or may not be, we are not alone in it.  Though in the darkness of our despair, we may feel alone at times.  And it can be difficult to remember that we are never truly alone.

I never knew my heart could feel such pain.  I thought I knew pain.  I have been through hard things, made some pretty bad choices in my life.  Were they just to prepare me for harder things?  Maybe so.

Being a parent is a miraculous adventure.  An adventure I am thankful to be on.  Being a parent can fill our hearts with unexplainable joy!  And also unimaginable sorrow.  When my child hurts, all I want to do is take their pain and suffer it for them.  When someone has hurt my child I feel this need to defend them with every fiber of my being.  As I call it, "The mother bear" affect.

I have had to learn to give all my pain to my Savior.  It is hard and I am weak.  But it is the only way I can make it through this time in my life.  So to my readers, whether there be many or whether there be few, give your burdens to the Lord.  Allow him into your heart, so that you may feel comfort.  Allow others to help you, God will send people in your path in your times of need.  Do not doubt his love for you, because it is unconditional.  Something I have learned in a way I never expected.  Trust in him, and have and hold to your Faith.  You are never alone.

I have shared this video I am sure many times.  But it is a good one and it brings me comfort.  May you always remember the Lord is with you.  He loves you more than we can ever know.