Saturday, April 30, 2011

Being Consistent

I went running today.  I have gone running at least 4 times a week for the last 2 weeks.  My Husband has been helping me, and seriously, I would not be doing as good if it were not for him.  And though I feel like I am not seeing any physical results yet, I am getting stronger.  And my husband reminds me that by being consistent,  it will be worth the pain running can cause.  So I guess that is where I am going with this today enduring the pain, because the reward will be worth it.  I believe that life is the same way.  We all go through trials, and have to struggle through many different things.  But we need to remember that if we are consistently trying to live righteously we will be able to endure the pain, because the reward will be worth it. 

Here is a link to a video that helps me push through and be consistent if my life.  Enjoy, and may it lift your soul today!  

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Feelings of a Mother

As I watched a mothers face turn to sadness and disappointment for her child, I felt my heart break a little with hers.  If only our children understood the love we have for them.  If only they understood that we would walk through fire, and go to hell to get them if we had to, then maybe they would think first about the things they do and say.  And as I thought that, it made me think about my Savior.  There are those who choose not to know him, and I say choose, because I think it is harder to avoid knowing him.  Our Savior is the light of the world, and denying that, is denying ourselves of so much in this life.  I can truly say that through Jesus Christ, I am happy.  I imagine that our Saviors heart breaks a lot everyday, as he watches us make wrong choices.  But I also think that he feels joy for those who are trying to be like him.  For the laughter he hears from the children of this world.

I remember a time when my mom said that she would take the pain from me if she could, and I remember thinking why would you want to do that?  And then I think of the Savior, and he did do that.  He took every pain, and every sin upon himself so that we would not have to suffer for them.  And now that I am a mother myself, I can say I feel the same way for my own child.  Anytime my kids are sick or sad, I wish I could just suffer for them and take that pain away.  And our Savior did just that.  We will still have to feel sadness and disappointment in this life, but we can be comforted in knowing that we do not have to face that pain alone.  Because he is always there for us if we are willing to go to him.

I have been in dark places, but I have never not believed.  I have always had faith in my Savior.  And as I watch someone who I KNOW had faith in him once, and no longer does, it saddens me.  And I feel sorrow for this person.  As I have also felt anger.  I talked with my husband about the anger I felt because of this, and he responded how the Savior would.  All we can do is just love them.  Even though I want to get in this persons face and yell at them for hurting my feelings, I know now that, that would not be the right thing to do.  And I also know that, that is not what my Savior would want me to do.  My husband also said that, contention is what this person wants, because that is what Satan thrives on.  And unfortunately, Satan is being more influential in this persons life, whether they admit that or not.  And for that I feel such fear and sadness for this person.  Because I care about this person.

So as I watched this persons mother cry for her child, I thought to myself, the Savior must be crying for them too.  I looked at this mother and told her that as long as she is faithful, I know that he will return to her.  Whether in this life or the next.  I pray that this person will someday feel the warmth and joy that our Savior has to offer.  But until then, I will continue to love and care and pray for this person.

And for this mother, I will continue to pray that you feel the comforts you need.

I love my Savior, I know he lives.

Monday, April 25, 2011

My Mother

For those who don't know, I have THE BEST MOM in the world!  And no one will ever convince me otherwise.  With Mother's Day coming up, I thought I would blog about what she means to me.  

I have made my fair share of mistakes.  And I know I have done things that have broken my mother's heart.  And I know that were it not for her love and support, I would not be where I am today.  My mother has always been there for me, and for all of her children.  She does not favor on more than the other.  She is funny, beautiful, talented, kind, loving and so much more.  And she is not given enough credit that is for sure.  If I could make her dreams come true, I would.

I will never forget the time where she realized something about me.  Something I was not proud of.  Instead of yelling at me, or making me feel bad, like I have seen other mothers do in this situation, she just hugged me and said that she was sorry, and that everything will be ok.  Can I just tell you what a difference that made!  She knew just how to help me, and was there for me.  I know that she would have suffered all that pain for me if she could.  She handled it how the Savior would, with love and compassion.  She is the greatest mom.

My mother has a voice that can sooth the soul.  She sings with emotion and love for the music.  Her singing is always a sweet memory and experience.  One of my most favorite sounds in the world. 

My mom also has a great imagination, and she can do voices, accents and faces.  When there is a blackout, you want to be where she is, because it is HILARIOUS!  I don't know why she is not famous yet?!

Now that I am  a mother myself, I try to make sure I am loving and kind like she has been to me.  She was and is a great teacher.  And I think that needs to be recognized.  I have seen her feelings hurt before, and I am NOT ok with it.  Every mother makes mistakes, but really, I don't think my mom has made many.  She is pretty amazing if you ask me.  She is SOOOOOO patient, and if that is not obvious, I don't know what is.  I wish I could give her something awesome for Mother's Day, something she really wants or really needs.  But I am not able to give what I know she really wants and needs. I wish I could. 

So I think we all need to think about our Mother's, and think about what they mean to us.  My mother loves me, and cares for me the way a mother should.  I could not ask for a better mother.  And I I KNOW that she has done a good job.  And that deserves recognition. 

So mom, Thank you.  Thank you for being the wonderful Mother that you are.  Thank you for always listening to my never ending rants.  Thank you for understanding that I am not perfect.  Thank you for loving me in all my weaknesses.  Thank you for making me who I am today.  Thank you for making me feel like I am worth something.  Thank you for putting up with my temper tantrums as a child.  Thank you Thank you Thank you.  Thank you for being my mom, and being The Best Mom Ever!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Jesus is Risen

As I think of my Savior today, a story comes to mind.  And it goes something like this:

3 men die and go to heaven.  They are greeted by the "gate keeper" and brought into an interview room one at  time.  The first man enters and the gate keeper asks, "what do you know of Jesus Christ?"  He thinks for a minute and says, "not much, I know he was a prophet."  The gate keeper nods then ushers him into heaven.  The gate keeper invites the second man in and asks, "What do you know of Christ?", "He is the Son of God, he died on the cross.  He suffered for my sins." answered the man.   He was a religious man.  The gate keeper then ushered him into heaven.  Then as the gate keeper invited the 3rd man in, before he could ask him anything the man fell to his knees saying, "My lord!  My Savior! My redeemer!"  The gate keeper embraced the man, for he was Jesus Christ.

I hear this story and I can only pray that I will recognize my Savior.  I want to know him, not just know OF him. He bled and died for me.  And now he is risen.  I know he lives, and I know he loves me.  And I love him.  He is the Savior of the World.  My Redeemer, my Brother, my Friend.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Unconditional love

Gerritt and I went out for a little while tonight.  We ended our night at Baskin Robins.  MMMMM.  A family of 4 sat to my left, and their teenage son was talking.  I looked at his mother and noticed how she was looking at him.  She looked at him with such love and such pride.  The look she had in her eyes is something that I can't really explain in words.  But it was beautiful to witness.

In the world today so many children are neglected and do not feel loved.  So tonight it was just so beautiful to see the unconditional love this mother had for her teenage son.  And it made me think of the love I have for my own children, and how like the picture above I find myself staring at them while they sleep, just praying for the world to be kind to them.  That I may be able to teach them to love others and to be kind, and that they will be able to be strong in this world.

While thinking about the unconditional love a parent has for their child, it made me think of how much our Savior loves our children.  How special they are to him.  The picture above just looks so sweet and touches me deep into my soul.  He loves our children.  I know as a mother that I feel a strong need to protect my children, and when someone hurts them, it breaks my heart and makes me want to take the pain away.  And I know that Jesus Christ feels that way about the children of this world.  Their innocence is taken away so early now days.  So many things that were private and sheilded from the public eye 20 years ago, are not anymore.  And I can only imagine how that makes our Heavenly Father and our Savior feel.  How it must make them sad for the damage the people of this world can cause our children.  That is why it is so important to have a strong family unit.  How important it is for our children to know that they have a mother and father that love them.  That they have a Heavenly Father, and a Savior that loves them.  And I think it is important to spend time with them, and let them know that we are always there for them.  Also let them know that they can always kneel in prayer and ask for comfort.  I have a picture in my girls rooms of Jesus with a child.  Each picture is different and is just for them.  I want them to always know who he is, and to love and learn to have faith in him.  I look back and I am so thankful that my own parents taught me to know and love my Savior Jesus Christ.  They taught me that I could always trust in him.  And how thankful I am for this.

As an adult, I think we find ourselves doubting many things in this world that we did not doubt when we were younger.  We have gone through trials, discouragement, sadness and many other emotions and hardships.  Life is not always easy, and I think it's sometimes harder for us to remember that we are not alone in this world.  Our Savior is always waiting with open arms.

 I recall a time in my life that was specifically hard.  I was in a dark and sinful place, and I felt so sad and ashamed.  I was in the bishops office, and I remember just crying as I spoke with my bishop.  My bishop was a very loving, Christ like and understanding man.  A man who truly was an example of Christ's Love.  After we talked for a while he asked if we could kneel in prayer, I agreed with a heavy and troubled heart.  We knelt  down and he began to pray.  He prayed for me.............for me, someone who was in such a troubled time of life.  I cannot explain the feelings I was having, but it was as if we were not the only 2 people in the room.  As he finished the prayer, I sat there on my knees with tears streaming down my cheeks.  And before I could open my eyes my bishop enveloped me in his arms and just held me.  I did not open my eyes, I just cried.  And it was as if it was my Savior holding me.  It was as if the room around me disappeared, and we were in a heavenly place.  I cannot explain this exactly, but I know it was not just my bishop.  This was a moment where my bishop was led by the spirit.  I can only explain it as if it was my Savior holding me, comforting me in my sorrow, letting me know that he had not forgotten me,  letting me know that I was not alone, and that he was there.  That I did not have to pay for my sins as long as I had faith and a repentant heart.  He was there with me in that moment, closer than I had ever felt him.  I am so thankful that my bishop followed the prompting he was given at that moment.  He was definitely in tune with the spirit that day.
So in the picture I posted above, I can truly say, that is how I felt it was that day.  A moment I will always be thankful for, and never forget.  I know my Savior loves me.  And his love for all of us is unconditional.

Saturday, April 16, 2011


This picture is title "Finding Purpose in Life", and today I realized the real purpose of this blog.  Yes I have complained, and whined.  And I don't think that is really what I wanted for this blog when I started it.  Who really wants to hear me complain about my self image?  I hear it enough in my own head.  Now I cannot guarantee that it won't happen again, but to my readers, the few of you that there are, I will try to be better.

I don't know what my whole purpose in this life is, and I don't know that I will ever fully understand my purpose, but I know I have one.  I know I am a daughter of God, and I know that he needs me to remember that so that I might be able to help others around me.  So that I might be able to be a good mother, wife, friend, daughter, and many other things.  I struggle with things sometimes, I struggle with how I feel about myself, and I how I am measuring up as a mother.  But there is one thing I try to always remember, that I am NEVER alone.  I always have my Savior to lean on, to trust and have faith in.  And how blessed I am to know this.

I have expressed anger in this blog before, and well frankly, I was angry.  But I don't that this blog was the place for it.  I have since deleted that post.

I think the purpose of this blog is to do what the title says, Lifting The Soul.  So from now on that is what I am going to try to do.  Whether it is just my soul that is lifted or by chance a reader.  I am going to quote a reader:
"I usually dont read blogs cause I cant seem to remember to keep up on them lol. But as I was laying in bed last night not sleeping I read your lifting the soul. I only read a few of the entries but just wanted to let you know that I really liked it. I really need to get back into going to church and it really helped me."

As I read this, I will admit that it really stirred something within me.  I thought to myself, "wow this blog really does mean something to someone other than myself.  So I need to be sure to only write uplifting things on here.

In response to my reader, I understand how easy it is to become inactive.  I have been there.  It is a lot harder to get back into the habit of going.  Especially when you have early morning church, the alarm goes off and you just want to stay in bed.  I have those moments often.  But one thing that I think we need to be sure to remember is that, sometimes it is in those moments when we need to go the most.  I know that when I go on the days I REALLY don't want to, that is the day I get something great out of it.  And there are also days when my kids are just so naughty in church, I wonder why I even go at all when I don't get to hear anything because I am taking a kid out of the chapel because they are being loud or crying or naughty.  But my mom told me something, she said that we do it so that our children learn how important it is to go.  And she also said that now she misses having the little kids around to disrupt her.  So all these things have a purpose.  I know that it can be hard to go back after being away for a time.  But I can tell you from personal experience, how refreshingly wonderful it is.  It is amazing how open our Savior's arms are.  He is there and he is waiting, he his patient and he is kind.  He is everything that Love defines.  He is our Redeemer, and he will never leave us alone.  And that can always bring us comfort no matter where we are in our lives.

Having a purpose is something every individual in this world looks for in this world.  And if we can find the right things in our lives that make us strive to become better, more Christ like, more loving and kind, we can find our purpose.  I think it is important to know that we all DO have a purpose in this world, God has not left anyone out.  We all have a purpose in his plan.  And our purpose is a great one, no purpose is better than another.  And if we live righteously we can find that purpose.

One thing I know, is that the Temple is an amazing place to learn about our purpose here on earth.  President Hinkley said that he learned something new every time he went to the temple.  Sometimes when i go, i wonder if I learned anything new, but even if I am just reminded, I think I am continually learning.  Gosh I LOVE the Temple!

So from now on I am going to try to make this blog more Uplifting, like I meant it to be in the beginning. And to help you have a good day or night, whenever it may be that you are reading this.  Here is a link to a video that I love.  This post is dedicated to my reader, who helped me more than they know.  Thanks!

It has come to my attention

It has come to my attention, that some of those mentioned in a previous post, "they who shall not be named", may have heard or read my blog post.  OOPS.  I don't really care that they know how I feel, but I guess I should have realized they could very well read it.  So I am sorry for any hurt feelings, or for offending anyone.  But I am going to be honest, I am not sorry for being angry.  I am not sorry for how I feel.  I am not one who goes out looking to hurt people.  So for that I am sorry.  I feel I am good person, and I would give most people the shirt off my back if they needed it.  But I am one who doesn't just bark, I will bite.  Especially if you cross my children.  Momma bear will attack.  
But for the most part, I really do try to be Christ like.  I just don't appreciate being lied to.  And I don't appreciate people who disrespect me or my family.  I have been VERY forgiving, and tolerant of some people.  And I just can't afford to make that effort for them anymore.  They never make the effort for us, and sometimes people cannot be uplifted, they only bring you down. And when that happens, it is just best to stay away from those who do that.  So I am sorry, I am sorry that I will no longer be willing to make an effort to have some people in my life.  I am mother, and I need to protect my children.  And I need to follow my instincts.  But I am sincerely sorry for any hurt feelings. 

Thursday, April 14, 2011


Ok, so I have been having issues with my foot, and I have tried, what seems, a MILLION different shoes!  But no matter how much arch support, or no support, my foot still hurts.  Now if I just workout in my socks or bare feet, it doesn't hurt.  WHAT THE HECK!  Someone, what do I do!?

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


I have thought about writing on here that last few days, but I am being honest when I say, that there is really nothing I have felt like writing about.  I have been down and frankly unhappy.  Mostly because I have been consistently working out and working out harder than I EVER have in my entire life, and I have not seen any results.  It is very discouraging.  I hear people saying things I should do, things I should not do.  Such as, stop drinking pop, DUH!  I know this, but that is sooooo hard for me.  I like pop, I like the way it tastes and feels in my mouth.  When I have had a bad day or if my kids have driven me extra crazy, I want to sit down after they go to bed and have a coke.  It is like my coffee, or wine if you will.  When others get stressed and have a glass of wine, or if they need energy and have a cup of coffee, that is what coke is to me.  I don't drink coffee or wine, so please, let me just have my coke!  I am trying to switch to diet, but it is harder than I thought it would be.

I also have a hard time eating healthier.  I am nursing, so I am hungry A LOT!  And so it is hard for me to think about cutting out junk food completely.  I mean I have made changes, seriously I have, I don't eat NEAR as much as I used to, I am eating healthier than I was, not as healthy as I could, but I am doing better.  I am drinking more water to.  So I have made changes.  So why have I not seen any results?  It is utterly depressing to me, and it makes me want to cry.  When I was getting ready for church on Sunday I put on my "fat" skirt and it was tight!  TIGHT!  It was loose on me after I had Madilynn!  UGH!  What on earth am I doing wrong!  Anyway, I am just discouraged.  And so I needed to vent about it.  So here I am, venting to my computer, wishing it would encourage me to keep going, and tell me that I am going to lose 10 pounds soon.  Wishing.........wishing..........wishing........

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


Since I was a teen I wanted to serve a mission.  I thought for sure that I would!  But how I regret that I was unable for many different reasons.  I should have gone, I should have prepared myself so that I could have gone.  I know that my Father in Heaven was very sad that I missed that great opportunity.  I have often wondered to myself, was there someone that didn't get to hear the gospel because I did not go?  How dumb I was to not go.  I know that I was supposed to.  It says it right there in my Patriarchal Blessing, "Before all other goals, seek first to serve God."  Since I did not serve a mission, that statement has haunted me.  Why was I so stupid!?  Why didn't I remember the promise that I had made to myself?  It just bothers me.  And when I think about the opportunity lost, my heart sinks.  I did not choose to serve the Lord.  I chose a path much rockier and unstable.  I chose that great and spacious building.  And I can tell you it is a dark and dangerous and unhappy place. While in that time of darkness, I was always looking back longing for the peace that I could see in the distance.  And as I would look toward the peace, I would wish I had made a better choice.  And I would pray to my Father for help.  And when I finally succumbed to the grief and pain I brought upon myself, my Father in Heaven buoyed me up and helped me make my way back to where the peace was waiting for me.  I will never forget the feeling I had when I stepped into a church building after coming home from Arizona, where I had been.  I felt such peace, and such joy it could not be denied!  I was home.  Honestly it felt like I my Savior was with me at that very moment, with his arms wrapped tightly around me, like he had missed me so much.  And I had missed him.  I had really missed him.  
Now let me help those who may read understand.  I never doubted the church, not for a minute.  I don't know how to explain my poor decisions and why I made the mistakes I made.  Was it love?  Was it selfishness?  Did I feel trapped?   I think it may have been a mixture of all those things.  But let me share with you a moment when I left it all up to my Heavenly Father, and he did take over.

I was on my way home from work on a VERY hot day in phoenix. And instead of taking the 201 I decided to take the express way by the airport.  For some reason it was never crowded, so it was much more pleasant to drive on during rush hour in phoenix.  If anyone has been there, you know what I mean.  And as I drove home, it was one of the few times I could pray aloud where no one could hear.  So I often prayed in my car.  Don't worry I would at least keep my eyes open to watch the road.  But I would turn the radio off and try to be as reverent as I could.  But this particular day was different.  You see before I would pray and ask the same questions, but never really wanted the answer, so I was never sincere.  But this day, I took a deep breath, and asked again, but this time with a sincere heart.  I also told my Father that something, or someone needed to help me make the right choice, because if the choice was to leave, I needed a lot of help and courage to do so.
About a week or 2 weeks later, I can't remember exactly, something did happen.  Something that caused so much pain that I thought I would never be able to be whole again.  

I had been talking to my mother, and when I told her what had happened, she just said, "Leave."  I remember sitting there, in shock, not believing this was happening and then I said, "How mom?  How do I just leave?"  She told me then, that she would come and get me.  She asked me when I wanted her there, I told her Friday.  Now for some reason I thought it was Tuesday.  So I thought I was giving myself a few days to change my mind, and tell her not to come.  Well guess what was Thursday.  So my mom bought a plane ticket and I packed up all my things, including my sweet cat Nala.  That night was a hard one for me.  I remember the agonizing pain that I was feeling.  I also remember making trips to and from the garage where I had some things stored, and Nala honestly NEVER left my side, she followed me everywhere rubbing against my legs the entire time.  She cuddled with me as I laid in my bed sobbing as my heart ached. She was such a comfort.  And I know that Heavenly Father had a part in that.

The next morning after a sleepless night, I went to the airport, and picked up my mother.  I called my place of employment and let them know that an emergency had called me home to Utah.  They were awesome. I stopped by after calling to gather my things from my desk, they all hugged me and each gave me advice.  I worked with the most AWESOME ladies!

Then the long drive home began.  I drove the entire way, which terrified my mother.  But it was the only way I could keep myself from crying.  We stopped in Panguitch for the night.  I remember my mom forcing me to eat. I just was not hungry for anything.  I finally laid down and fell asleep.  But then woke up in a panic as I realized it was all real and not a dream.  And I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.  I tried to cry quietly, but I still woke my mom.  She climbed into bed with me and held me until I was calm enough to fall asleep again.  As a mother now, I know that she was just wishing she could take the pain away.  Being a mother is the most wonderful thing in the world, but I believe it is also the most heartbreaking thing as well.  
We got home the next day, and slowly things got better and better.  I made new friends, got a good job and started to enjoy life again.

The reason I tell you all this, is because I know that though we all make mistakes, some large and some small.  We can always come home.  Yes I regret not serving a mission at 21 years old.  But I know I will have an opportunity to serve with my best friend and eternal companion Gerritt, if we live righteously.  And so I will strive for that.

But I will always look at Sister Missionaries with such admiration for their choice to serve the Lord.  They make me smile and I can see the spirit radiating from them.  What beautiful daughters of God they are.  Thank you  for all you do Sisters.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Every Knee Shall Bow


I saw this picture today and it took my breath away.  I look at this and wonder if this is what it will be like.  I look at this and long for the peace it offers.  I look at this and I know that my Saviour loves the whole world and everyone in it.  To be able to love like that makes him so much more miraculous than I can even begin to understand.  He is the Christ, the Healer of my Soul.