This is a blog post that I wrote on a now private blog. But I feel that this is a post that should be public, so that if it can help someone else, they can be helped. That is the only reason.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2010
Postpartum Depression/Anxiety
I have been contemplating on whether or not I wanted to write about this, but I feel it may help me in the long run. I believe that being honest about this is a good thing and will help me heal faster. So if you have not figured it out, I have been suffering from this horrible condition called Postpartum Depression. And the anxiety is just a lovely additive. The anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks one night...and I have not been able to make it go away as I would like to. Why the anxiety? Honestly, I don't know the real cause. Maybe because two children has proven to be harder than I imagined, or maybe because this week Gerritt has to go back to work. Or maybe it is just part of the depression. I am not real sure.
Along with this depression, it has made me feel like I am failing as a mother, I am told everyday that I am not, and I am trying to listen to those who are telling me this. The anxiety makes me feel physically impaired. It makes me feel detached from my life. My wonderful life as I have known it. The worst part of all, is because of this sickness, and yes it is a real sickness, I have not wanted to hold, talk to, or feed my baby. I hate to admit this, and it makes me feel evil, and horrible, but like I said, I feel that being honest will be healing. Don't get me wrong I love my baby. But with this problem I am faced with, that love is harder to feel and see. And it has been devastating to me. And I cry about it often. I feel like I am all alone.......I know I am not, but that doesn't change the way I feel. I wonder had I not gotten so sick a week after she was born, and had to spend a night in the hospital away from her....would I be going through this now? My body has not healed as fast as it did with Meagan, my body has been weak, and ill. And I wonder if that is the true cause of all this, including my hormones going crazy...I mean I did just have a baby about 3 weeks ago, I shouldn't expect to be 100% yet. But this has been harder for me than I planned and thought it would be.
So yes I admitted this to my Dr. I was honest and asked for help. I was given Zoloft and told to take 1/2 a pill everyday, unless I felt I needed more. Well when the anxiety hit, I was told to take a whole pill everyday, and for the anxiety xanax is what I have been prescribed. I feel it is important to admit this. I have been someone who has advised others to take medicine for depression/anxiety, because if it is going to make you feel better, then why not take it. It is no different than someone that needs to take blood pressure meds everyday. But for some reason, when it is a mental thing, people tend to feel ashamed and less of a person. I am here to admit, I have felt less of a person, because I have not been able to function as I am used to. But I also know that these medicines will help me function again. And so therefore I am going to take them and not be ashamed of it.
For those who may have suffered from this...your advice is welcomed, and for those who may not have suffered from this, I hope you are understanding and kind about this trial I face. I look forward to the day when I wake up, and I am whole again. That will be a liberating day. Until then I am just taking it all one day at a time. Forcing myself to do the things, my mind and body don't feel like doing. Talking to my sweet baby and getting to know her. Trying to enjoy my 2 year old and reminding her that I love her everyday. Trying to get out of the house and doing things that feel normal, or make me feel more alive. I am trying, and for now that is all I can do. I try to be strong, and I try to remind myself that this to shall pass. I asked "Why do I have to go through this? It just is not fair!" And I still think that it is not fair. But I try to remind myself that maybe, just maybe this is something I have to go through.......maybe I can help someone else.
I have been blessed with a wonderful support system. A family there when I need them, making sure I am not alone if I feel I can't be. A husband who is understanding that I can't help the way I feel, and that I am trying and wanting to be better and to be myself. A husband who says, do what you can to feel better, and doesn't push me to do things I feel I cannot, except eat.....I am forced to eat. My mother is constantly reminding me of my good qualities, reminding me that I am not failing, that I will get through this, and it will all feel normal. And so many more who would do whatever I ask. I have been blessed, and this is something I try to remind myself of.
I also know, that I can find complete healing through my Savior. I know that he understands my pain and suffering, and that he is there to heal me. And as much as I would like to be like the woman who just touched his clothes and was healed, I know I must find healing within myself, I must have strength and faith to receive the healing power of Jesus Christ. He is my brother, my Savior and my Redeemer. And I love him.
So this is me being honest. This is me telling my story, as to help heal myself. I am thankful for all I have, and I love my sweet precious children. And I pray and hope that soon, I can be the mother that they deserve. And until then, I will rely on my family and my Savior to help me become me again.
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